The Hush Post| 18:02 | two-minute-read
Sometimes the covers of most mainstream magazines like cosmopolitan are enough to ignite that spark to rekindle the fire of sex.
Like love, romance, and marriage, our culture is full of misconceptions about what is realistic, healthy, and sustainable in a sexual relationship.
We feed the line that we “should” feel madly in love with our partners every day for eternity. So it goes with romance: We believe that if we’re not having exciting sex thrice a week something’s amiss.
So here is some truth about sex and physical relationship. Truth that you usually don’t get to read about in magazines.
When we learn about what’s typical instead of comparing ourselves to a fantasy ideal, we become significantly less anxious. And then we can focus on what is working in the relationship. This, instead of what we perceive is not working.
Here are some truths about sex:
1. A healthy sexual relationship is whatever works for the couple. For some couples, this will mean sex three times a week and for others, it means once a month. We’re all wired differently. Every couple carries a unique set of needs that cannot be replicated in any other relationship.
2. There’s usually a high-need partner and a low-need partner.
There’s often one partner who has a higher sex drive and one has a lower. We tend to think that men are always the high-need partner but that’s not always true. This can also change from relationship to relationship. In other words: if you were the pursuer in your previous relationship but the one getting away from your partner in your current relationship, you may have been the high-need partner and are now low on drive. As with every aspect of couplehood, the challenge is to find creative ways to grow toward each other while also preserving your sense of self.
3. Sex isn’t only what occurs in the bedroom.
In a culture that likes to categorize and compartmentalize, many people carry a belief that says that sex is only what happens between the sheets. This mindset invalidates cuddles, flirtations, sweet kisses in the kitchen, and all other forms of sexual affection that may fill in the times between what we typically think of as ‘actual’ sex. So when the magazines splatter the anxiety-provoking “Are you having enough sex?” across the cover, you can assess your sex life from a more well-rounded perspective by including all sexual interactions and probably answer yes.
4. Sex isn’t only about results
In our achievement-oriented times, we tend to believe that “sex doesn’t count” unless both persons involved achieve orgasms. Sex is kissing, cuddling, fondling, roaming, and caressing. And more than all of that, a truly good sexual relationship is one in which both people feel safe to express. And where both can explore their sexuality together. Emotional safety will always preclude a real sexual connection. Lying together without clothes and simply holding each other can be some of the most venerable and beautiful times after one has had sex.
The bottom line is that most couples in a long-term relationship will experience struggle around sex at some point. Just knowing this, instead of imagining that everyone else has a flawless sex life is enough. It will alleviates shame and can free up space in the relationship to talk openly about this with acceptance.
As always, the more acceptance you bring to who you are and how the two of you relate to each other, the more joy and fulfilment you’ll find in your relationship. Therefore sex begins with your thought of having a good session, to masturbating to actually doing the act.